I kept telling myself I just had bad luck with men. That it wasn’t my fault. But it was. I fell for anyone that showed me any interest. So desperate to be loved.
Being a screenwriter has taught me so much about myself. When I create a character there’s always a little bit of me in there. I make the characters do the things I can’t do. They make the choices I can’t make. And I realised the same themes keep coming up time and time again in my characters journeys.
All the characters search for authentic connection and ultimately to be loved just as they are. And my characters have always been able to overcome their challenges and find what they need. But for me, I just seemed to continue the same toxic cycle of bad relationship after bad relationship.
I kept telling myself I just had bad luck with men. That it wasn’t my fault. But it was. I fell for anyone that showed me any interest. So desperate to be loved. Because I didn’t know how to love myself. Or respect what I actually wanted. I just put up with anything.
I’ve had so many guys describe me as ‘easy going.’ Sure I can be. But a big chunk of my brain power is wasted obsessing over my writing, feeling anxious about whatever it is I’m feeling anxious about that day or beating myself up for not completing my impossible to do list. However, whenever I met a guy I pretended I was easygoing and fun ALL OF THE TIME.
It was inauthentic and detrimental to relationships but mostly to myself. I pleased and performed for liars, cheaters and emotionally unavailable idiots, wondering why relationships were so dang hard! I mean everyone else seemed to be able to keep a boyfriend – why couldn’t I?
My biggest issue with relationships was that I struggled to maintain my identity. I became so consumed by being everything and doing everything for my man that I expected little in return and received little. Because I didn’t want to be demanding I wanted to be ‘chill.’ Clearly, that never worked for me.
I pleased and performed for liars, cheaters and emotionally unavailable idiots, wondering why relationships were so dang hard!
So, instead of working on myself in relationships and growing I gave up on relationships altogether. I said - ‘it's all too hard and I'd rather be a crazy old cat lady.’ Even though that sounds sad I didn’t feel sad. I felt free. I could spend my time doing whatever the hell I wanted. It was a beautiful thing. I just kept telling myself it was ok if I didn’t get married and do all that stuff. Not everyone has to. And I got on with living my life.
I committed to my writing. And my health. Plus my friends of course. And I was GOOD. I was out in the world just doing my own thing. I was so much happier when I took the pressure to be with someone off myself. I finally had a life and I really didn’t expect anything from guys anymore. At 33 I pulled myself off the market without completely realising.
Truth be told the rebel inside of me also never wanted to do those conventional things because I didn’t want to conform. But that is bullshit. I can still be a strong, independent woman, fall in love with a man and get married if I choose to. It doesn’t change what I believe in. It makes me see things from a different perspective.
Which is what happened when I recently became attached to a guy who infiltrated my mind and heart so quickly. I had to find another way to be. And luckily I already had. I’d taken the time to figure out what was important to me. In concentrating on my life – me doing me - I’d worked out how to care for myself. I’d worked on what I wanted in my life and I was complete.
So far my relationship has taught me more about myself than my boyfriend. Being vulnerable and letting someone in makes me want to pull my toenails out! But I’ve looked at my behavior and bravely changed the things that didn’t serve me. And it's no small feat to do this - to learn to be open with another person.
However, it's the only way to have a relationship worth a damn. I've learned how to be emotionally honest with myself and how to share those feelings. And when I’ve had doubts about the relationship or myself I’ve looked deeper into why I felt what I feel. Not just say “it's too hard” and walk away like before - when I thought someone would stop caring about me if I said what I wanted.
I’d taken the time to figure out what was important to me. In concentrating on my life – me doing me I’d worked out how to care for myself.
Being myself from the start is what has worked in this new relationship. I’ve grown so much because I haven’t hidden. And best of all I realised I like myself and who I created. Yes, it’s only a few months on my new journey into relationshipville but it’s different this time because I treat myself differently.
I’m no longer trying to be easy going. BUT the best thing is I’m easier going because I’m not working hard to hide anything. If a little bit of crazy comes out I know he’ll accept that. I’m only human. I can only do my best. I owe myself that. Now I know I’m worthy of love. And just like my characters, I won't accept anything less.