"I was standing at the foot of a big black mountain and the mountain was my life. I felt like I was stuck at the bottom with no idea how to climb it"
I came out on an eight year relationship at the age of 26 and I felt like I had nothing. I’d had the piss taken out of me for a very long time by that stage. I was emotionally, financially, and spiritually drained. I felt like a fool and I felt like I’d failed. I crumpled into a heap for months. Have you ever poured so much of yourself into supporting someone for soo long, that when you lose them you have no idea who you are anymore?
I was standing at the foot of a big black mountain and the mountain was my life. I felt like I was stuck at the bottom with no idea how to climb it. Time passed and I saw my darkest days. I’d stay in my room and try to battle these demons without success. Anxiety attacks, depression and sleeplessness reined, I lost too much weight and was perpetually exhausted. I felt powerless to change my circumstance.
"I’d gotten so sick of being miserable, that one day I said, no more, that’s enough, I’m SICK of myself and existing like this."
One day, desperate for guidance, I spoke with a friend who had come out of a long relationship some years earlier, and I asked her what her advice may be for me. She said ‘fake it ‘til you make it’. I was surprised and confused, but then I thought about it.
I’d gotten so sick of being miserable, that one day I said, no more, that’s enough, I’m SICK of myself and existing like this.'
I changed my job. I pushed myself (even though I didn’t feel like it) to make the most of every interaction. The time I spent talking to people and other co-workers about their own lives would distract me from my own, and eveeentually life started to roll by, and it was filled with new people and things. My forced enthusiasm for life became real enthusiasm. People often say ‘time heals all wounds’, and if they all were saying it, then if I kept this up then surely it would also heal mine.
"All the times I was told ‘no’ was my fuel to prove that I could."
I started doing the things I was always told I wasn’t capable of or able to do. All the times I was told ‘no’ was my fuel to prove that I could. I got busy doing, creating, learning, changing and growing. I learned not to be scared of change as it is what would invite in the next chapter of my life. The colours of the world went from dull to bright, and hindsight started to dawn on me. I’ve learned that I deserve as much respect as the next person. I realised that every bad mistake had become a lesson of what not to do, and also an experience I will never have to have again.