"I went from alcohol, to weed, to ice and then to heroin."
Growing up I was really insecure, sensitive and emotional. A horrible combination when going to an all-girls private school.
Both of my parents were business owners and from a young age I wondered why they were never home. They had me when they were over 40; my two sisters were 6 and 12 years older. Back then I wondered why they didn't want to 'play' with me, which of course in hindsight makes complete sense. But I took it as a personal insult, not realising that I was too young to be involved.
In my mind, I was never enough. Good enough, smart enough, pretty enough. My thoughts raced through my mind and mostly they were negative. I had this core belief that I wasn't important and growing up I just felt a bit like a lost soul. I longed for a sense of purpose and couldn't seem to find it.
"I had this core belief that I wasn't important and growing up I just felt a bit like a lost soul. I longed for a sense of purpose and couldn't seem to find it."
I started drinking and using drugs from 12. Finally, I had found relief from the world. From myself. The loud consuming orchestra of negative thought patterns seemed to dissipate and I finally felt some kind of peace. Some kind of freedom.
I seemed to think that everyone around me had purpose and direction. Like everyone knew what they wanted to do in life and I just felt completely stressed and overwhelmed by it all. It was like everyone had the 'instructions' to life and I must have lost my copy.
I went from alcohol, to weed, to ice and then to heroin. By 22 I was injecting heroin every day and by 28 I thought there was no way out. I was so far removed from the girl before all the drugs. The innocent 11-year-old girl who didn't know how to deal with emotions or feelings, and didn't know how to ask for help.
"I am now over two years clean and my partner of 9 years is three years clean. It's a beautiful thing."
It's taken years of trying to get where I am today. I spent most of 2014 in a long term rehab. I needed to do a lot of work. After countless relapses and a few goodbye notes, I finally got clean on May 14th, 2015.
I am now over two years clean and my partner of 9 years is three years clean. It's a beautiful thing. I have to pinch myself at times. I'm happy. I'm really and truly happy! I longed for this feeling all my life. Just being okay with who I am. I've been learning to love myself and it is so foreign, but feels so good.
I'm currently studying psychology at Melbourne University and looking back I wouldn't change a thing. I know what my purpose is now. I finally have direction. Through all the pain I have been given a gift. Hope, purpose and direction, one day at a time.